My people come oh, dombolo don fordom nar Lion Mountain. Did you witness yesterday’s inquest in the Ariogbo Kingdom? Some people are answering YES, whilst others reply in the negative. Well for those of you who never witnessed yesterday’s hearing, I will whet your appetite a little. The gods asked me yesterday to congosa to Lion Mountain humans that the Inquest Flagbearer of the Serious Lions Prefer Palaver (SLPP), Madam Below, spent his recent birthday with his long-time human girlfriend, Mercy Banja; don’t mind my accent.
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Following and even prior to my revelation, borku borku things have happened. Phones in the Ariogbo Kingdom keep ringing and Facebook drama intensifying.
While some of the phone calls received and recorded by Judge Gaddafi in relation to yesterday’s wizard hunt were very mature, others were full of mammy cusses. I will not go into the details of how many mammy cusses Judge Gaddafi received yesterday, because Ariogbos don’t react to mammy cusses. We are decent and well brought-up ‘devils’ that will never allow humans to drag us to low levels.
For those who tried to convince the gods not to publish the sweet birthday story, it was rather too late. If we were not Ariogbos, we would have succumbed to the cover-up attempts. Unfortunately for the SLPP humans who tried to intervene, and fortunately for the people of the Lion Mountain, who rely on this Ariogbo for credible information, the Ariogbos Elders Council had resolved to put the UK birthday news out.
The news hit the Lion Mountain and worldwide news stands with a bang. As if to endorse the extra-marital affair of the SLPP Flagbearer, Mercy Banja and her in-laws stormed the social media to lego borku comments to force people that were skeptical over the Ariogbo’s revelation, that what the Ariogbos published was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Lion Mountain humans, do you also know that Mercy Banja is now being widely referred to as First Lady in Waiting? Oh yes! This simply means that the extra-marital affair between her and Madam Below is not a secret anymore, especially within certain SLPP circles.
Mercy Banja is also telling the world that she is the sister-in-law to a certain Claire Below, who is supposedly the sister of Madam Below. Dem people ya nor dae hide again sef.
While Francis Below is busy telling the world that she is the marrade woman of Madam Below, Mercy Banja is also claiming ownership of the same Christian man. Wonders never end in this low place called Lion Mountain. In fact sef, Francis Below is not only referring to Madam Below as her legally wedded husband, she is further clarifying her status of being a Former First Lady and the First Lady in Waiting.
Wow! So who becomes the First Lady if Madam Below assumes the presidency? This is a serious question that must be answered now oh! We will not want a situation wherein women would be publicly fighting each other and legoing bad bad mammy cusses against each other in the name of fighting for the position of First Lady.
Wuna nor fet yet oh! At least, only two names have surfaced so far, in this episode, for the position of First Lady if Madam Below wins the forthcoming presidential election. This Ariogbo knows for sure that at least six more names, including Mamawuta and Zainish, the renowned Cocaine Trafficker, will come up as we draw closer to the election.
And if what one of my ancestors told me is anything to go by, Lion Mountain citizens should expect to hear at most thirty two names of people claiming ownership of the First Lady position in a Madam Below Presidency, especially so when Below is a son of a Paramount Chief that got married to up to thirty two wives?
But these First Lady contestants should not be allowed to fight oh! And the only thing that can save this public fight is an election. Immediately after an election announcing Madam Below as the winner, Lion Mountain should immediately announce the holding of an election to elect the First Lady. Campaign for that position should be declared open without further delay. After that, the First Lady contestants will go to the polls. Not all Lion Mountain citizens would be qualified to vote in this kind of election oh, because it is not everybody’s business. It will strictly be an SLPP business. And SLPP business means ‘One Mende, One Temne’. No other tribes and non-members of the SLPP will participate in this election because it is going to be strictly SLPP business. All the same, all indigenes of Kailahun would be allowed to vote, because of obvious reasons.
Who is going to be the Chief Electoral Commissioner of such a sensitive election? This question would be difficult for humans to answer, but nothing is difficult for Ariogbos. We will suggest that an SLPP octogenarian be the Judge in this election. This is because humans might not have the patience to wait until such votes are counted and announced. They will prefer an elderly person that will not even bother to count prior to announcing the result.
Hmm!!! Wetin nar election; look am pack! Wetin nar ‘rogue’; look am pack!
Nobody would be allowed to petition the results with the exception of SLPP’s Kanja Man. This is because it is only Kanja Man that knows who is the best candidate for the heart of Madam Below. In other words, nar Kanja sabi Madam Below e sweet heart hahahaha!
If this is a movie, it will be a blockbuster. Lion Mountain get tin dem ya!
And look at the other drama that unfolded in the social media yesterday oh! Mercy Banya’s Facebook page started to ‘wink-yai’ when her Facebook conversation with her in-laws was given wide publicity. It was too late for Mercy to cover-up. But wait oh! She nearly scored a goal against this Ariogbo. Those Facebook comments were supposed to serve as part of my ‘sticks behind door in case a dog runs mad’. Hahaha…humans will never understand that expression. But humans are not as smart as Ariogbos. We therefore played smart by invoking a ritual to convince Mercy to restore her Facebook page. The wish of the Ariogbos is the command of Humans. The page was restored and the Ariogbo extracted the ‘more sticks beyen doh mot’. Mercy, we are well equipped now; you can even delete your entire Facebook page Hahaha!!! Facebook develops epilepsy….what a drama.
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Newspaper in Freetown, Sierra Leone.